do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
