The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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