Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
