true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
