Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
