Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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