Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
