Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Randomize
