My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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