my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We don't watch enough power rangers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize