Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
