go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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