If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
