when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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