do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
