I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
