The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think I have vodka in my lungs
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize