matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
