I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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