i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize