I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
