Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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