so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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