3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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