i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
