My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
