I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
