That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
