Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
