I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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