im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
