She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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