we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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