I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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