i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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