I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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