My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
