I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
