I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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