You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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