i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
