He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
