Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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