Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
