I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
