...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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