Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
