is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I AM VODKA MAN
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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