i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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