he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He kissed a someone with a penis
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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