I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
