you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
