On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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