There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have tasted many bathrooms
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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