Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
