drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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