The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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