yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize