I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
