After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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