So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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