I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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